Love is the force that moves the world. We all desire it, seek it, and crave it. Sadly, not many are willing to give it out as much as it is sought. 

Romantic relationships are a curious human phenomenon. If we do not have it, we end up craving it. When we have it, we often find navigating our way around it difficult. 
Us humans… we are strange, beautiful, and so complicated. 🙂 

While good human relationships are the bedrock of a good life, they can often be elusive.
Popular media and culture often over glorifies (and even demonizes) romantic relationships. When that happens, people feel a compelling need to be a part of a romantic equation. It is not something that stems harmoniously and organically but is influenced and forced. 

We also see that people who are single feel like they are missing out on something essential if they are not with somebody. 

Imagine someone single, in their late twenties or thirties, scrolling through social media applications and seeing all those happy pictures of couples and sometimes with kids. If it is a mentally healthy human (I use this phrase on purpose), they will feel happy to witness another’s joy. They may desire to experience conjugal love themselves. But, an unconscious human who is not in a good space can feel wretched. Then you find such humans ranting on Twitter (or is it called X now?). 

“ugh, all I see is couple pictures on my timeline!”

“looks like everyone is either getting married or pregnant, and only I am here seeking approval and attention on social media.”

We all would have witnessed such posts at least once on our timelines. 

It is also funny how many people who end up ranting about other people’s so-called cringe posts end up doing the same when they are blessed with a partner or baby or even a dog or a cat, for that matter! 

ADMIT IT

Let us afford a bit of honesty here. We all crave love, crave companionship. 
I have also mentioned in my other write-ups that there may be exceptional human beings who, by dint of their lifetimes of work, seek nothing but union with the divine. For most of us, though, having a companion is a boon— one that we crave, even if we may not admit it to others. 

Admission of a desire brings peace. In being vulnerable and honest, we find peace unlike anything else. Additionally, once we admit to a need, we can think of doing something about its fulfillment. 

L FACTOR

Often, people who remain single until their late twenties or thirties are confronted by well-meaning friends that perhaps they are not trying too hard. 

Careful observation of life and people, though, tells another story. 

Finding love is not just about making efforts, but also down to this mystical phenomenon we term luck. 

We often need this L factor to find love and even sustain it. 

Life is so unpredictable. 

Sometimes people find love but:

• The timing is not right,
• Career trajectories separate the lovers,
• Sometimes family situations bring fissures.
• Death may take away your love— most painful of all
• You are unable to put in the work to sustain love because you were not prepared for love— worst of all, in my humble opinion.

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So yes, while our ‘karma yoga’ should be to prepare ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally for love to arrive and sustain, there is always the element of luck and grace involved. 

PREPARING FOR LOVE

I once read about an exercise in a book about writing down the qualities you seek in a potential mate. I also know a few people who have found good results using the same practice. While this is a lovely and valuable tool to help you understand what you seek, this is not the entire work. 

For us to truly be in a state of attracting a good quality relationship, just being clear about what we seek is not it. We should also jot down, what are the qualities we are going to bring to the partnership. 

A handy tip that we can do well to remember not just for conjugal love relationships but for any relationship that we forge in our life— the other person does not exist to solely fulfill our needs and desires. It always must be equal participation of mutual love, care, and respect. 

An advanced level of the same practice that I have learned is to become clear on what we seek from the relationship rather than our partner. 

For example, while jotting down the qualities one seeks, one may wish their partner to be kind, well educated, aware of social issues, etc. But when we speak about what we seek from a relationship, we may write— I seek peace and comfort, a safe space to express and be, a person with whom I can experience travel, learning, and so on. 

WHILE WE WAIT

We have established that we may need to make inner changes, adjustments, etc. before love arrives. The arrival of love still can be beyond our control, as discussed above about the luck factor.

While the ‘exercises’ and ‘tools’ shared above only fuel our growth as a human being, can we also do something else while romantic love eludes us? 

Yes, to recognize and become aware of the love that exists around us already.

Often we are so obsessed with finding romantic love that we forget about the abundance of love that may exist in filial and familial love, love of and from pets, your purpose, and so on. Of course, if one is really fortunate, they find love in pursuit of God and divinity. 

Awakening to love in our day-to-day life helps us tremendously in many ways:

• We become more grateful for the people who are already there in our lives.
• Potentially it removes the obsession with a romantic relationship.
• You may observe that people become so intoxicated by their partner when they get into a relationship that they neglect their family and friends. God forbid if that obsessive relationship does not work out, we are left in a pitiable state, having already alienated many of our other significant relationships.
• We do not become dependent or use romantic love like a crutch when it arrives. We retain our individuality and support system outside the relationship as well.

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This is something even those who are already in a happy, committed relationship to take note of— while your partner is the most important person in your life, if you do not and cannot find space for other relationships in your life, it will eventually be toxic for you and/or the relationship itself. 

IT IS NOT YOU

Remember, just like the presence of a relationship does not define you as a person, the lack of it does not either. 

Do not take not being part of a relationship as feedback for you as a person. 

Appreciate existence and always be hopeful that love will arrive sooner than later as long as we keep making ourselves into a pleasant life form. 

So you tell me, do you still agree with Bappi Lahri or do you now feel there can be chain without pyaar?

May you find experience abundant love- romantic or otherwise. More significantly, may you be blessed with the power to be able give out love as well.

Kushagra