One of India’s former presidents, the late Shri Pranab Mukherjee, gave an informal interview to The Delhi Times a few years back. He spoke about his personal life, away from politics.

It is always interesting to read about the gentle, personal, and informal side of politicians who have to inevitably put on a mask when they are serving their office. It does not matter who we like, admire, or dislike relatively less than others; everyone wears a mask. To cater to a diverse group of people, the intoxication of power makes them that way. 

In that interview, Mr Mukherjee mentioned that he does not recall if he and his wife ever had an argument or fight. Imagine my shock at that statement that the only thing I remember about the interview after all these years is that statement about his relationship.  

My idea of relationships, healthy or otherwise, was that people do argue, right?! 

People have differences, and they sometimes spar and contest those differences. It is not ideal, but that’s the model I have seen and observed thus far in life. 

To not argue sounded alien to me. I have no reason to disbelieve Mr Mukherjee’s statement, for he seemed like a gentle human. 

However, from then on, a few recent personal life experiences have led to another idea.

The idea that arguments and disagreements can be healthy. 

The idea that arguments and disagreements can actually lead to a much deeper relationship between two people. 

The idea that if one learns the right way to disengage, further engagement can be much more fructifying. 

Wondering how?

Let us explore the idea of CONSCIOUS disengagement and disagreements in the next few sections.

Two Tales Of Re-engagement

A preciously dear friend and I had a fallout over some issue a few years back. 

Both of us felt that the other was not taking into account the love and care we had invested into the relationship. 

Both were living in the terrible territory of assumption. 

Both had the highest regard and love for the other. 

But we disengaged. 

Back then, I also took a deleterious inspiration from Batman, which led me to believe that no matter who leaves, we have to tackle life solo anyway. Thankfully, life has humbled me enough now to think otherwise. 

People and human relationships are precious.

Acquired fears of rejection, abandonment, and fear of loss can be dealt with in therapy. 

After many months, we got talking again. We met when my friend was in the same city. It felt like no time had passed. We caught up right from where we had left off but with more gratitude, humility, and warmth over how precious a shared history of friendship is meant to be. 

One significant thing that my friend shared when we met was how, during our period of disengagement, she took time to work more on herself, got herself trained in Reiki, and spent more time in meditation. We collectively reflected on how the period of disengagement acted like a boon for her because earlier, she used to depend on our conversations to lift her. Her sharing also made me realize that each one’s healing is their own responsibility. 

People are not Gotham, you are not Batman. They do not need saving. All one can hope, aim, and endeavour to do is be authentic and supportive in one’s personal journey. 

I have observed that sometimes we outgrow not just our previous selves but also people in our lives. There is nothing right or wrong about it; it just is. 

If two people value their relationship, it is up to them to discover how the other person is changing and evolving. And if possible, try and keep up with that. Because in case we don’t, we find ourselves alienated from someone we thought we knew well. 

People change all the time, including ourselves. Of course, it is not just another person’s prerogative to inquire; we should also be willing to update our people on how we are no longer the same person they had met and become acquainted with.  

The second tale of disengagement from a friend stemmed from something I have described in the above paragraph. 

My friend was saddled with too many overwhelming issues in her life. I felt disconnected, and there weren’t enough conversations or meetings to quell our growing distance. I also couldn’t keep up with her evolution. Before thoughts about her turned toxic, I decided to disengage, but not without informing her. 

My friend was extremely gracious about it and also honestly shared that she, too, didn’t have the capacity to explain her side. 

And so we consciously disengaged. 

Within a short span of time, when we were both in a more adequate state of mind and space, we re-engaged, and this only strengthened the bond of friendship and our mutual understanding and respect for each other. 

The two personal tales that I have shared come with a few caveats:

A. I was extremely blessed that my friends did not let the ego decide the course and outcome of disengagement. 

B. We were honest about our complaints and issues to one another rather than a third person, and the most important one—

C. While dealing with the micro, we did not forget the macro. 

Let me elaborate more on B and C in the next section. 

OBJECTIVITY

Gossip feels just so good. It is not ideal by any stretch of imagination. A human being looking to have positive relations around should do well to stay away from gossip. Spiritual growth, too, is hampered by gossip.

But God, does gossip feel good. Talking about other people’s follies, often masked as care or concern, is orgasmic. One sometimes feels that one can go on and on and on engaged in gossip. Dwelling upon another’s perceived shortcomings is an effective way for the ego to feel a sense of superiority. 

But as I said above, despite how good it feels to engage in gossip, it is one of the biggest factors in attracting bad relationship karma. It is not something that one should attempt to engage with. 

How do I say all this with certainty? 

Because I have been there and done that. I have derived sadistic pleasure in gossiping and tearing others down, unbeknownst how it will serve to tear down my own integrity. 

However, I am learning— experientially so. 

I am learning that it is better to talk to people rather than talk about them. And When you cannot talk to people, observe your inner dialogue about them. 

Are you allowing the micro to overshadow the macro?

In other words, does one moment of misunderstanding, one incident, or one argument make the other one a bad person?

I suggest disengagement because I realized how being in the line of sight of the friends I had disagreements with would have only accentuated the bad vibes.

By taking a break, I could recall why we had become friends in the first place. I could remember their kindness, support, and love over the years. My inner dialogue about them was not filled with negativity. I had my complaints, but I also had gratitude within. And the universe listens and listens how. 

One can fake to the outside world, one can even fake to their ownselves, but one cannot continuously bluff the Paramtama within. 

In other words, one cannot bluff the universe, which constantly notes down each of our thoughts and desires. If one continues to harbour negativity within, that negativity will manifest in life situations for that individual. 

It was a blessing and a wonderful coincidence that my friends, too, had similar thoughts. They had their complaints, but their inner dialogue was not negative. And so, in due time, we got back. 

HEALTHY ARGUMENTS

If relationships are to thrive, one must also learn the art of disagreement and arguments. 

I have presented you with a model and idea of disengagement. It may or may not work for everyone, but it is definitely one worth considering, wouldn’t you say?

I have always observed that if there is goodness within the heart for the other, every argument, every disagreement, or, in my case, every disengagement leads to a stronger bond with that person. 

Like how strife only serves to perpetuate a person’s growth, conscious disagreements can lead to a far more intimate relationship between two people. 

Learning to speak our minds to our loved ones in a gentle yet firm manner is the key. Rather than pretending, all is hunky-dory, it is better to get into care-frontations and reveal our hearts than hoping that the other is a mind reade.

Being like the late Mr Mukherjee would be ideal. However, in case we are not yet there, it will be wise to consider models and ideas to ensure that despite the disagreements, we do not give in to negativity and do not lose our objectivity about people in our lives.

I wish you happy, healthy, and harmonious relationships.

Kushagra