Season three, episode one of the TV show Only Murders In the Building, begins with a compelling and impactful monologue by the legendary thespian Meryl Streep. (Do not worry, OMINTB fans, not giving out any spoilers; you can read on.)

Meryl Streep’s character describes how she, as a kid, got enchanted by the stage, and all she wanted was for someone to give her an acting break, to notice her, to say the words, ‘Where have you been?.’

As I watched that scene, I felt intensely nostalgic about my life journey.

I was actively involved in street and stage theatre for four years of my life—such a fulfilling, emotional, growth-filled journey. I consider my time in and around the stage as one of the most transformative periods in my life.

THE REJECTIONS NAY REDIRECTIONS

Like Meryl Streep’s character, stage was something that attracted me since childhood. I was highly mediocre at my studies; I had precious few friends, and I was not as boisterously garrulous as I may come across now, haha. Highly introverted and supremely low on confidence; often bullied and as significant and noticeable as an irrelevant document pinned on the notice board.

However, there was something within that really wanted to find expression. I remember one of the only times in my life that my peers, some of whom were tall, popular, spoke English eloquently, and had the attention of the pretty girls in the class, took notice of me when they once saw me perform in a skit for dramatics class. Memories like that remain etched.

I could never really continue to pursue dramatics in school, though. Circumstances and situations kept me away from stage even when I tried. I remember in junior school I so desperately wanted to be part of a group of students who were to sing, ‘Heal The World’ by Michael Jackson, for some school function. I got in but was later rejected by one school senior, the dude kind, rich South Delhi kid who only spoke in accented English. His reasoning for rejection was I was absent from school for one day and hence missed a practice session. I was so dejected. I desperately wanted to be one amongst a crowd of students. Tsk. It was not to be.

In another instance, back in sixth standard, our class teacher asked us to write an essay of our choice. Each student had to prepare one essay and recite it before the class. The teacher would then select two or three students to represent the class in an inter-section essay recitation competition. I’d give the little kid credit. Back in 2002, I wrote an essay in Hindi (fortunately, the recitation was to be in Hindi, had it been English, I would most certainly have been rejected) titled ‘Kashmir kee samasya’. What was up with you, boy? I chuckle, wondering where this kid was picking up a topic like that.

Anyway, I got selected along with three other academically strong students. I was the black sheep here. But it was a big deal and a win for that kid. I was asked to re-work the essay a bit by the teacher. I did so only for him not to hear or read the essay and select his favorite, academically bright students. Haha. With a pat on my back, he said, we will select you next time. I literally had tears in my eyes; at least hear my essay out, sir. Nope, it had to be Miss Agarwal, Miss Mehta, and Mr. Prakash—the popular and visible kids.

Remember that Pepsi advertisement? Mera Number Kab Aayega? Yep, same question the little me was asking.

Now, folks, we all hear a lot of academics do not matter crap being dished out by so-called influencers or people who have climbed the ladder of success. Such gyaan is absolute bull-crap, and that too of the highest order. Academics matter not because they will help you with your career one day, but they matter for your esteem, for you to feel assured and, bloody hell, be noticed. And kids need that, especially if that isn’t something happening in their homes.

You’d hear people often talk about quotas or reservations. There are debates on both the merits and demerits among people. Caste-based quotas aside, I feel there is a quota for so many things and in so many aspects of life:

• There is a beauty quota; a quota on how you look and present yourself

• There is a wealth quota. How people around you may treat you can be heavily influenced by your possessions.

• There is a quota for the position in society— what you do, who you are connected with, and how significant your influence is.

As that heartbroken kid back in 2002, I felt life was so unfair. However, a few years from that point on, walked in a magical, divine being who emanates and embodies love as much as He embodies wisdom. Through His teachings, I learned how life is neither fair nor unfair. Life just is. Life is what we make of it and the meaning we ascribe. Life, much like stage, is not happening to me but for me. For all of us.

DAWN

In The Dark Knight Rises, Bruce tells Selina Kyle that he has a powerful friend who helps him deal with his problems. Not just Bruce, everyone needs a powerful presence and support to help them navigate their life journey.

As Krishna appeared in my life, so many insecurities, issues of self-assurance and confidence, and questions about life, its intricacies, and so on were all replaced with curiosity, awe, wonder, and gratitude. Aided also by loving friends, I was no longer the reticent, under-confident kid. I even managed to be a part of an intra-school skit competition along with some ‘kewl’ commerce and humanity students, and we won the second prize in that competition—first ever ‘trophy’ for the largely invisible young kid. Dawn was coming.

While my engineering college did not have a space for dramatics, I still gained confidence by winning an inter-college debate competition and, in general, being more expressive, assertive, and being around some beautiful friends whose love and support were tremendously enabling.

As I started out with my civil engineering work post-college, I felt a longing for the stage again. I never wanted to make a career out of stage or acting. All I wanted was a fulfillment of the longing that had been within since my adolescence: a longing for expression and being seen.

Shahrukh Khan’s character in Om Shanti Om is on spot when he says, ‘kissi bhi cheez ko puri shiddat se chaaho to puri kaaynat usse tumse milaane mein lag jaati hai.’

Universe/Krishna guided me towards a theatre group in August of 2013 wherein I could not only find a safe space to express, be seen, hone my imaginative abilities, and, of course, acting, but also fall, fail, trip and grow. From what was supposed to be only a four-month weekend workshop, I ended up being there for four years.

The boy who couldn’t get a part in a group of students to sing a Michael Jackson song for five minutes on stage would play the lead in a 90-minute play.

The reticent, bullied kid received applause and appreciation from the ‘cool’ kids of various Delhi University colleges.

The kid who couldn’t get to recite his essay in the inter-section competition of the sixth standard could stir the emotions of audiences through his monologues.

To the kid within me, I say, we have had quite a journey, lad.

BE CAREFUL FOR WHAT YOU WISH FOR

A story about an ancient historical figure called ‘Dhruva’ comes in the Vedic texts of Bhagavata Purana and Vishnu Purana. Dhurva, at the mere age of five, manages to attain God realization— an event unheard of even back in the age of Sattva or Sat-yug. The little boy, on being belittled by his stepmother and neglected by his father, takes on the path of Astanga yoga and mantra meditation. He is guided towards the path by the great sage Narada.

So this boy who attains God realization at such a young age is said to be awarded a really long period of unchallenged kingship by Bhagavan Shri Vishnu. It is mentioned in Bhagavata Purana that Dhruva is underwhelmed after his encounter with God.

Why?

Because he feels he has cheated himself by desiring a kingdom.

Dhruva, on being insulted by his stepmother, wants to attain a position higher than even the creator, Brahma. Talk about having lofty goals!

But upon God realization, his desires melted away, and all he sought was seva (service), sathsang (company of like-minded spiritualists), and the bliss of meditation.

Vedic dharma propounds the idea of eternity of the soul and reincarnation. One wonders how and why would a five-year-old kid want to engage in austerities to get a vision of God. After all, even when kids are incensed, they can forget it quickly and engage in frolic. I mean, Dhurva may not have had access to a PlayStation, but he definitely had access to many ‘real-world games’ and distractions even back then.

On that point, the saints explain that Dhruva, in his previous body, was a sincere spiritual practitioner who was on the verge of God realization. However, he comes across a royal retinue near his meditation hut. The pomp, splendor, and opulence attracted Dhruva’s heart in that lifetime. That distraction or the desire arises in his heart only for a brief moment. But the omniscient Paramatma or God within his heart takes note of that desire.

And so the benevolent universe provides him a chance to attain both of his desires— God realization and experiencing the splendor that comes from a kingship in the next birth by creating the right kind of environment.

What I humbly understand from such stories and also my life experiences is that for the universe, no desire is big or small, good or bad. As long as we are sincere in our longing, and may I daresay, the desire is not malicious towards another, inevitably, the desire finds manifestation, one way or another, one lifetime or another.

For instance, only while writing this piece was I reminded of the rejection for that Michael Jackson song or the inter-section essay recitation competition. While I was supremely dejected at the denial to represent my section in that essay recitation, I soon forgot about it. I even maintained a cordial and respectful equation with the teacher who’d denied me the chance.

But, there is someone who doesn’t forget.

There is someone for whom even your tiniest desires matter.

That someone is God or, as I call him, Krishna.

APNA TIME AAYEGA

Human mind is filled up with desires. Even the desire to become desireless is a desire. We cannot escape that net. What we can most certainly do is channel our desires toward peace, joy, and harmony.

I shared my personal story and Shriman Dhruva’s story to help you believe that, yes, there is a benevolent universe. Yes, desires are heard, even if the answer seems no for the time being.

But success is not just about attainment of desires. And this is not some profound spiritual gyaan that I am dishing out. I speak from experience.

I had a wonderful time in theatre, but if someone asks me to do theatre again, I do not have the time, space, or heck, even inclination for the same. I have moved on to other desires. Haha.

Look at Shri Dhruva’s life. He got what he had secretly desired in a previous birth, but upon attaining it, he did not feel as good as he may have imagined. Of course, the story goes on to say that he does have a wonderful, fulfilling life and ultimately attains the abode of God.

I also know of so many stories like this where what someone sincerely desired in their life arrived in a much bigger form later.

The key lesson for us to derive can be summed up in two words:

PATIENCE AND FAITH.

Your time will arrive.

You will see the light.

Your desires will find fruition.

Keep your chin up; have blind faith in the intelligence of creation. That power which has put the desire, the faculty of the power of desiring, will fulfill all that you seek sincerely.

I love a quote my father shared with me when I was young:

‘God’s delays are not God’s denials’

To conclude, if life seems grim, if you feel rejected, dejected, and if nothing seems to be working, just remember: the universe is cooking up something really wonderful for you. Have faith. Apna time zarur aayega 🙂

Kushagra