“Unless it’s physically or mentally threatening to someone, you let them make their own mistakes. 

Let them get their heart broken, let them trust wrong people… They will take their own journey and come to their own conclusions.”

So many of us (and I do not wish to categorize it as an Indian problem per se) have a habit of doling out unsolicited advice. To have opinions and ideas is one thing, but to express them unsolicited is patronizing, to say the least. 

A friend and I were conversing about how sometimes people mask manipulation as a concern. I quipped that if you feel that someone is really going down the wrong path, it is okay to give them a piece of your mind. In response, she gave me a piece of her mind (the quote above), which was hard to disagree with.

I thought advice or no advice, the part about letting people discover life on their own, making their own mistakes, etc., is worth considering.  

If I were to look at my own life journey, my mistakes have been utterly painful but ever so enlightening. 

A friend once asked would I be willing to have someone from my past back into my life. 

I replied if it came at the cost of the lesson that it gave me and the person I have since become, not at all. I’d take regret over an enduring connection if that means more self-improvement. 

In hindsight, who would not want to learn the lessons without going through the pain of suffering the mistakes? Alas, life does not always work out like that, does it now?

And I feel this perspective and experience is not just subjective to one individual. Look at your own life; remember the times you screwed up. Inevitably, all those times ended up teaching valuable lessons.  

SUPERHERO SCREW UPS

In the movie Spiderman Far From Home, Peter innocently trusts and hands over Mysterio, a notorious villain a powerful gadget capable of great destruction. That mistake costs Peter dearly, and later when he regrets his stupidity, Happy Hogan, the guy who worked closely with the cult favourite Iron Man, ends up counseling Peter. 

Happy, Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man’s best friend, tells Peter that Tony always messed up everything; Tony continuously second-guessed everything. Happy’s message effectively to Peter is that it is okay to mess up; even the ones considered best among superheroes do it. 

We see the same pattern in almost every hero’s journey, superhero or otherwise. The hero may begin their journey with adversity, rise to the challenge, err again, fall down, and then learn from the mistake to become better. 

LESSON FROM GITA 

In the Mahabharata, or beginning of the Gita, Arjuna expresses his inability to fight against his family members.  Shri Krishna does not begin sermonising Arjuna as soon as he expresses his grief. No, first Krishna speaks to him as a friend— admonishing him. Only when Arjuna expresses his sincere desire to learn from the master what is the right path for him to follow does Krishna begin his narration of the legendary song of God. In essence, only when Arjuna elevates Krishna from the position of a friend to a Guru does Krishna advise him. 

In fact, one thing that has always struck me about Gita and Krishna is He is not bigoted or bullish about the philosophy He is preaching. One of my favourite parts of the Gita is when at the end of His sermon, Krishna tells Arjuna, Buddy, the choice is yours, do as you desire. I have equipped you with knowledge; choosing to follow it or not is your choice. Thus comes into the picture the blessing (or the curse) of choice bestowed by nature upon individuals. 

So, we have discussed an example from popular culture, and we have explored the philosophical aspects of staying away from giving ‘muft ka gyaan.’ However, the ‘muft ka gyaan’ bug within me still wants to present an argument in favour of when and how to dole out advice. 

Should one never give out any advice under any circumstance? 

What if you genuinely do care about someone and you observe them faltering in some aspect of life? 

Let us try and explore the answers to such questions and more in the next section. 

SWITCH TO ANOTHER TEE

On a particular day last summer, I had just completed a run in the evening. Huffing and puffing and high from the completion of the run, I was trying to shake off sweat from my teeshirt. A gentleman on a stroll nearby observing me came up to me and said, “You know you should wear a pure cotton tee shirt while running. This material that you are wearing is not good for running.” 

I did not have the heart to tell him that the tee I was wearing was specially engineered for running and other such high-intensity activities. He was not entirely wrong. I mean, as a Hatha yoga practitioner and teacher, I follow the advice to wear loose and comfortable clothing. However, for high-intensity activities like running, gymming, etc., one can make use of other kinds of clothing.

Now, I had not sought anyone’s advice on what to wear or not wear. I was not seeking casual conversation from someone who I do not even know has run a single kilometer in his life. But his advice made me smile because I felt the sincerity of concern in his voice and way of being. I am not going to change what I wear when I go for a run, but I heard him out, said I would consider his advice, thanked him for the same, and moved on. 

TO ADVICE OR NOT TO ADVICE

Reflecting on the above episode from my life, I remembered the Sundarkand section from the great epic Ramayana. The glorious Shri Hanuman tries to knock sense into the egoistic Ravana’s head. Ravana retorts, I do not need advice from a Vanara. Shri Hanuman suggests one should take good advice no matter who or what is the source of that. 

Advice often falls on deaf ears not because it is unsolicited or there is greater glory or learning to be sought but because of how and who delivers it (I will elaborate this idea ahead). 

I feel most of us fall into the Ravana category. Okay, if this idea offends you, I will just talk for myself here. The ego often rejects even a piece of sound advice if it means it is contradictory to our beliefs. 

It is like how Malcolm Gladwell says in his brilliant book (an absolute delight of a book, must-read), Bomber Mafia:

‘The more you invest in a set of beliefs— the greater the sacrifice you make in the service of that conviction— the more resistant you will be to the evidence that suggests that you are mistaken. You don’t give up. You double down.’ 

As said above, why is it that most advice falls on deaf ears because:

• We do not have adequate trust in the person who is dishing out the advice.
• We do not respect the person’s opinion enough on the subject they are advising upon.
• The person giving the advice is in doldrums.
• How the advice is delivered is not suitable.
• As the saying goes, ‘I do not care what you have to say unless I know you care.’

I feel advice, unsolicited or not, is not the issue. The problem is when advice is a tool to control, manipulate, and coerce someone to look at life the way you want them to. 

Also, a piece of advice uttered by someone of impeccable character and conduct always has an impact. Let me share one such instance in the next section. 

BUDDHA AND SWEETS

There is a tale that once a lady approached Gautama, The Buddha, to help her. Her grief was with her son, who was addicted to eating sweets. Gautama asks her to return a week later. When she returns, the Buddha simply looks into the child’s eye and asks him to stop eating sweets.

The boy’s mother is astounded! 

Why would Buddha ask her to come again after a week if all he would do is speak a simple statement? Perhaps the lady expected the Buddha to give her some amulet, do some hooga-booga, chant some profound mantra, or do some elaborate ritual to ‘cure’ the child. But all he did was speak a simple statement. 

Upon being confronted by the lady, the Buddha simply says, “A week back, even I was consuming sweets.” 

PERSONAL REALIZATIONS

I have, thanks to my mistakes and experiences, established a firm belief in voluntarily seeking out advice from mentors, gurus, elders, and just about anyone who I feel can help me in my life. I may choose to reflect on that advice and act the way I wish anyway, but at least I have another idea to consider. It does not hurt to hear another opinion, especially when considering an important decision. 

In fact, I even love hearing people’s opinions on books, gadgets, items of personal use, and so on. I have often stumbled upon gems hearing people’s advice and suggestions. 

Also, as I grow older, I realize the ideas I rejected in my youth from elders, mentors, and scriptures make much more sense now. Not all, mind you, but many do. 

You may have heard of the oft-quoted statement on generational conflict:

When a man realizes his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

In conclusion to this cocktail of advice against advice and advice for advice, my advice to you is:

See what works best for you. 

Can you afford mistakes?

Are you the prudish kind or adventurous? 

Does your temperament and personal life history suggest you have learned and grown from your mistakes, or do you keep repeating them?

No matter which model you follow, I wish you growth, joy, and harmony. Thank you so much for allowing me to share some of my ideas by reading this piece.

Kushagra 

P.S. To my friend, thanks to whose conversation I got the idea to write this piece, I say thank you. And I also ask, “Would you let go of your dear tommy (doggie) to go and beef with the street dogs? You wouldn’t let your tommy get bashed up by the street dogs and learn the lesson and come to his own conclusion, right?” Aayi bada gyaan dene dusro ko, chal phuttt! 😉